What the heck was He thinking?
That was the first thought that came to my mind when my 11 year old asked me, “Mommy, why do you think God chose you and dad to be my parents? Because you are the best parents ever.”
It melted my heart when she said it, but it made me think too. Why did He choose us?
My mind began to wander…
Does God choose what babies go where? Why does He choose people who are in desperate situations? Why does He choose those who will be abusive and unkind? Why doesn’t He choose people who are trying so hard to have a child and would make such great parents?
All of these things crossed my mind.
In my own situation, I could see the struggles that Pete and I had endured before giving birth to Katie. These struggles prepared us for what was to come. Would I have noticed it at the time of her birth?
Looking back, I now see it as an “ah-ha” moment. Katie is riddled with anxiety. Before Katie was born, I began to fear flying. We lived 2000 miles from family, and a visit required two different airplanes and 6-7 hour plane trip. It was a long way. I had always enjoyed flying, but at some point in my life I endured a horrible plane ride and from there I became severely anxious about flying.
My mind would race several days before the trip. I would check the weather and panic. I was engulfed by anxiety. As I prepared for the flight I would feel sick to my stomach. I would shake uncontrollably. It was horrifying. As a mother I had to set aside these debilitating feelings and help my two children prepare for the flight. Pretending to be happy and excited to see family, yet inside I was miserable and on edge.
This is how Katie feels almost every day. This gift of anxiety allowed me to view Katie’s pain firsthand. I know how she feels.
God prepared me for her. This is only one situation. There are so many more things that have happened during my lifetime which make me very aware why God chose me as her parent.
I guess He knew what He was doing when He chose Pete and me.
There is still the question of why God chooses unhealthy people to have children. That one is far more difficult to answer. Probably because I don’t like to think of the answers. I have witnessed too many friends struggle with miscarriages, still births and infertility. Good people who I felt deserved a baby.
Romans 8:25-28 But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently. In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us through wordless groans. And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for God’s people in accordance with the will of God. And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.
God has ultimate control. He chooses, not us. What we do have is hope. Hope that those who suffer from addictions will change their ways. Hope that those who cannot bear children will be offered a new way to experience the joy of parenthood. Hope that those children who are born into abusive families will experience help from their community to rise above the horrid life they have endured.
No matter what the circumstances there is always hope. Sometimes we have to dig deep to find it, but it is there. When God allowed Jesus to be crucified on the cross, it must have been horrifying for Him to witness the hatred that day. Yet His hope that we all would experience the beauty of Jesus’ love even through evil was poured out to many of us. That is the beauty of Romans 8:28 – “and we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him.”
Amen to that.