Battling within Yourself

Psalm 139:7-10

Where can I go from your Spirit?

Where can I flee from your presence?

If I go up to the heavens, you are there; if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.

If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea, even there your hand will guide me; your right hand will hold me fast.

Push. Push. Push. All day long I have this battle within myself that I push God away and then I pull Him close. My sinful self pushes, and my faithful self pulls. Even during the times in my life that I have not even acknowledged God’s presence, He was there. I just was pushing all day long. He hovered over me and I swatted him away like a fly. He was an annoyance because He constantly reminded me that He was there. And at that time in my life His reminder made me feel guilty about my choices. By the looks of the Psalm scriptures above, He was there trying to guide me. I just didn’t want to listen. It was like the tide coming in on a stormy day. I was the rip current – pushing back from God’s love. Instead of letting my tide pull its way or crash to the shore, I pushed away from it, taking me far from the shore. I wouldn’t let God take over and roll me in gently. I should have pulled Him close and let Him take me in, but I didn’t.

Even today, when I am desperately trying to find His Will, I still push Him away way too much. With my kids being home from school, I have found my pushing has increased. My patience runs thin. My anger boils way more on these days. My time with God has thinned out because the kids are up and going early (cutting out my morning ritual almost completely). Even right now I am typing this while my youngest watches television in the same room, and I am desperately in need of a pair of sound proof headphones! My laziness comes out because sitting around watching television seems way more fun than doing God’s work. Yes, even when I am close to God, I can push Him away.

The great thing about God is He will accept me with loving arms as soon as I run to Him (or pull Him close again). He is hovering and waiting for me. He is buzzing around me not to bother me, but to remind me He is there. I don’t understand His buzzing as a nuisance because I want Him close by. I want His constant reminder gently nudging me back onto His path.

The best way to describe this “buzzing” would be from my daily routine with my kids. They buzz around me asking me questions, telling me stories and offering me (unsolicited) advice. It drives me crazy, but it is a constant reminder that they are here with me. Someday they won’t be. During these vacation days, I need to keep that in focus. While it may seem like a lot of togetherness for 2 weeks, it is time that I will never get back if I waste it away watching television (or pushing them out of my life).

God, just like my kids, is the focus of my life. Also, just like my kids, I want Him around, but just on “my time.” Honestly, that isn’t fair of me. I have to take what I get. I don’t get to decide when God fits into my schedule. God will decide the timing not me. I do not get to choose when it is fitting to place God in my life – the correct answer is I should want Him there all the time. The best way to put this is out of my second graders mouth, “You get what you get and you don’t throw a fit.” Even though we may not want God at that moment (because we want our own selfish desires), we need to pull Him close not push Him away.

We can try our best to follow God’s path, or we can be in the midst of our own sinful selfish life – it doesn’t matter, God will be there. He will find us in the “heavens” and in the “depths.” We cannot hide from God’s love. When he finds us, we can “rise on the wings of the dawn” or “settle at the far side of the sea,” He will wait for us. His timing is perfect.

About aslamkowski

Blogger, Speaker and Author of "Revealing Faith: Learning to Place God First in Your Life" Most importantly, desperately wanting to hear and follow God's Will, wife of Peter and mother of three kids.
This entry was posted in Faith, Family, God, Jesus, Religion, Uncategorized, Women and Christianity and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

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